Answering the
second part of Jojiro's Orthodoxies. The first answer can be found
here.
Set 1, Using Your Own Words
"Some noise is coming from a building."
- A tired game master somewhere, probably
1. Rewrite this as a single sentence. You want to convey that the structure is not sound.
'A dribble of pebbles cascades down the weatherworn towers side sounding much like a tiny avalanche.'
2. Rewrite this, still as a single sentence. You want players to picture a safe haven, a feeling of comfort that we get with freshly baked cookies at grandma's house. But do it implicitly - "Grandma's baking noise is coming from the safe haven" is not the point of the exercise, here.
'The sound of boiling water being poured in clinking cups comes from past the warmly glowing doorway of the caravanserai.'
3. Rewrite this, still as a single sentence. You want to convey that this location is mildly dangerous.
'A staccato of gunfire echoes from the other side of the stone wall followed by five meaty thuds, as if bodies dropping to the ground.'
4. Rewrite this, no sentence limit. You want to convey that this location is lethally dangerous - try to suggest a different type of danger than what you used for question #3.
'An angry thrumming fills the air, cutting your thoughts into disjointed fragments, the black pillars flare brightly and the thrum steads to a dull miserable roar that needles you skin. From somewhere below you hear the faint sound of hymns chanted in a polycrystalline tongue.'
Set 2, Focus/Texture
Describe where you think the GM is trying to draw the players' focus to. Describe what you find the texture or tone to be.
5. The dungeoning entrance is kinda big even to the humans in the party, but it is positively looms over the halflings, like a bloated elephant. There's even trumpeting and general cacophony to match! It's a right circus in there.
Well the first sentence seemed to be a clear case of the GM trying to evoke a slightly a grand, bit grim tone, tinged with some dark humor... then something happened in the second bit and I really have no clue. Is there an actual circus?? Or just stuff that sounds loud like one??? Confusion
6. As you round the bend, Martha, you hear the crackling of flame and the popping of glass. The upstairs window that you spent much of your childhood daydreaming from bulges outward and shatters with a resounding crash, and the stoop where your mother always stood in the evening to greet you father groans as it folds in on itself.
My first thought was victorian romantic adventure story. With lots of drama but also maybe some rooftop chases (one's family home doesn't usually explode naturally after all). The destruction is fairly obviously being tied into a player's character and their backstory and being milked for all the melodrama you can get out of it.
7. The floorboards creak and groan despite the party's best efforts to stay stealthy. The incessant scuttling sound continues too. First in the wall. Then in the ceiling. Then down another wall, and finally to the floor beneath our feet. Cackling follows the scuttling, half a beat delayed.
Classic creepy foreboding as a threat closes in, combat (or something nasty) is most likely inevitable and imminent at this point, with the description merely being some nice terror buttered on top to give the upcoming encounter some oomph.
"A person hits a person."
- That same tired game master, probably.
8. Rewrite this, no sentence limit. The focus should be on a specific body part, the texture is meant to be visceral. You're drawing out the moment and making the hit meaty with impact.
'Your axehead bites into the swordsman's arm cleaving through tendon and muscles and hitting bone with a sickening wet sound. The swordsman twists round with the force of the blow and twists back as you wrench your axe out leaving their arm dangling limp and broken.'
9. Rewrite this, no sentence limit. The focus is on the person who hits, not the person who is being hit. The texture is something personal to the person who hits - you're framing this as an important moment for them as a character.
'The punch hits solidly and satisfactory, years of pent up anger releasing as you deck the scoundrel, leaving your knuckles stinging white. Serves the bastard right for what they did to your father.'
10. Rewrite this, no sentence limit. The focus is on the scenery, and the texture is one of bleakness. Whatever combat is happening is ultimately pointless, and you're trying to make sure the party knows it. Zoom out, make the fight less personalized, less meaningful. Distance your description.
'Two apes fight with crude flint axes. A pile of gut-pearls at their feet. Beyond them the corpse of a great starship half buried in the mountain side. And beyond and below that a barren expanse littered with ancient machine corpses. A triumphant yell and one of the apes falls to the ground dead. The other scoops up their meagre prize and notices you upon the ridge.`
11. Rewrite this, no sentence limit. The focus is on conveying facts. There should be as little texture as possible. It's the end of the session, everyone is tired, and while making this accurate is important, making it anything more would be a waste of time. You can see one of your players is already half asleep. You may want to rush his and call it a night.
'The martian thug stabs Pauli in the stomach, but not before she shoots him dead. Unfortunately his partner seems to have booked it and taken the briefcase too. Looks like you'll be patching up Pauli and chasing down the other thug next session.'
12. Rewrite this, no sentence limit. You are trying to focus on a pathetic target of the hit, but not like, an assault victim or anything serious. Tonally you're aiming for a slapstick character who is the butt of jokes, bad timing, and who keeps getting beat on.
'You slap the bureaucrat once across the face, then back the other way. The poor fellow jerks out of their panic only to fall backwards off their sedan chair and into a muddy puddle. They lay there for a minute then meekly wave you over, not bothering to get up.'
There we go, all done. Of course in actual play the answers would be a tad bit more disjointed and not flow as smoothly.
